A Life Yet Undiscovered

A Life Yet Undiscovered

It’s finally fifth period:
study hall with him

In the sweet solemn whisper of a moment
Right before I see him
(but knowing he’s right around the corner)
I promise myself
I won’t look
I can’t smile

It is a tragic discomfort
Feeling like I want him to kiss me
and feeling like I want to puke

Feeling like no one else in the world exists
and like he’s distracted by so many other people
he can’t even see me

I feel like I have to pretend he doesn’t exist
while I attach his last name to mine
on the side of my math worksheet
in five different fonts
Do I like Mrs.?
Or will I prefer Ms.?

My cheeks warm and flush
as I mentally flip through the
imaginary photo album of
our life yet undiscovered
pictures of prom, college, our wedding, and everything else
all flutter by

It is a distinct shock to my system –
like being suddenly immersed in a bath of ice –
knives jabbing into me all over
as I see him walking towards me
smiling and
holding Jessica’s hand

my hand feels cold and desperate
I hold onto my binder
part shield, part life preserver
and remind myself
there is still so much time
before I can move on
to sixth period

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